That battle between good and evil is quite evident. I hate Hasatan, and that stupid thing invented at the dawn of time called 'sin.' But that doesn't stop me from doing it.
It's like I try as I might to live for God, but then there are those little things that I discount. "Oh, that's not important." I say. Or I make excuses.
It's those little "unimporant" "white" sins that would eventually lead to my downfall.
The devil lies, telling me their ok. "At least you're not like all those other people." he says. "You've never been drunk. You've never had sex. You've never even touched anyone in an inappropriate way. You've never cursed. You've never murdered. You've never stolen anything. You've never dressed in a provocative manner. You've never had decietful motivations. You usually obey your parents...."
Essentially, I'm perfict...compared to the world of course. And that's what Hasatan is trying to emphasis in his lies.
But I'm not perfict. I do have my downfalls. I do have my bad days. I am human. My sins may look "white" or "harmless" or whatever, but they are still sins. Sin is sin. Whether it's adultery or pride, it's still all the same. I am a sinful piece of rubish in the eyes of my Father. Only His good grace has covered that ugliness. Only though Christ can the Holy Father look upon me and not be disgusted.
God has teaching me about judging others lately. I feel like I have been falling victim to that....the judging part I mean.
Dear God! It's so hard to be a born-again Christian in today's society! I see all that is going on around me. All that is evil and sinful. It kills me inside, but there also is a prang of pride. I am not like them. Those sinful, worldly people. I am not like them.
Dear God, what is this attitude! Was I not in the same boat as these people before I was saved by the Father's undeserved grace?? Am I not still a human that sins every day reguardless of the fact that Christ bled and died for me so that I might be set free from sin??
What is wrong with me? Why is my attitude not like that of my Savior? Why do I do what I don't want to do, and don't do what I do want to do?
22 May 2008
20 May 2008
.66
Whoooooooooo! Today I finished my last class.....EVER!!! Um, unless I go to grad school. But I'm not thinking about that in a long, long time.
So, I have to come up with an 80's punk rocker costume. By tomorrow. Yeah....about that.....
I start my Kaplan course tonight and my ERI bootcamp tomorrow.
YAY for impaling my brain with thousands and thousands of wonderful NCLEX questions!!!
Tomorrow night is Delac. That should be interesting. It looks as though my mohawk idea isn't going to work. Boo. Ok, I'm over it.
Oh yeah, and yesturday God decided that my time in hiding was pretty much over. He threw a couple ministry opportunities at me, which I unsuccessfully tried to dodge. Key word: unsuccessfully. For example: I landed in the Emergancy Department at Christiana with a good friend of mine (a Jewish Athiest no less) who was having abdominal pain, dizziness and severe anxiety issues. Had I not tried to dodge that ministry opportunity, I would have been able to ride in the ambulance with her (which would have been totally awesome). But, being the wus I am, I tried to rational why I couldn't escort her to the ED at 10pm.
Dude! What the heck is wrong with me? In the words of Rabbi Chernoff: "When you've got an opportunity to minister, drop everything and go!" Who cares about it being 10 at night, having to get up for work at 6:30, and not having done the paper that I have due in the morning???? It's the ministry, fool! Ok, that's a little Mr. T in me.
Point being, I realized my error as soon as the ambulance pulled away (ok, someone--the boy, namely--pointed out my error for me....) and we drove as fast as possible to Christiana.
I stayed with my friend for about an hour, trying to comfort her.
The hard part was when I asked her if she would like me to pray for her.
She said no.
No?
Ok, I said. And that was it. I am praying for her. Just like I have been for 4 years. The boy and I prayed for her in my living room that night. It's ok. God works. It's hard because I so much want to see her get saved, but I can't change anyone. God does the changing. We just do the praying.
Sooooo, I guess I'm back on the front lines. I stayed a little too long in the barricks, and now my Commanding Officer is pushing me back to where the action is. I'm a Ranger. Special Ops. Won't settle for less then the best.
And with my .66-caliber assalt rifle in my hands, ain't nothing going to harm me!
Rangers lead the way! Hooah!!
So, I have to come up with an 80's punk rocker costume. By tomorrow. Yeah....about that.....
I start my Kaplan course tonight and my ERI bootcamp tomorrow.
YAY for impaling my brain with thousands and thousands of wonderful NCLEX questions!!!
Tomorrow night is Delac. That should be interesting. It looks as though my mohawk idea isn't going to work. Boo. Ok, I'm over it.
Oh yeah, and yesturday God decided that my time in hiding was pretty much over. He threw a couple ministry opportunities at me, which I unsuccessfully tried to dodge. Key word: unsuccessfully. For example: I landed in the Emergancy Department at Christiana with a good friend of mine (a Jewish Athiest no less) who was having abdominal pain, dizziness and severe anxiety issues. Had I not tried to dodge that ministry opportunity, I would have been able to ride in the ambulance with her (which would have been totally awesome). But, being the wus I am, I tried to rational why I couldn't escort her to the ED at 10pm.
Dude! What the heck is wrong with me? In the words of Rabbi Chernoff: "When you've got an opportunity to minister, drop everything and go!" Who cares about it being 10 at night, having to get up for work at 6:30, and not having done the paper that I have due in the morning???? It's the ministry, fool! Ok, that's a little Mr. T in me.
Point being, I realized my error as soon as the ambulance pulled away (ok, someone--the boy, namely--pointed out my error for me....) and we drove as fast as possible to Christiana.
I stayed with my friend for about an hour, trying to comfort her.
The hard part was when I asked her if she would like me to pray for her.
She said no.
No?
Ok, I said. And that was it. I am praying for her. Just like I have been for 4 years. The boy and I prayed for her in my living room that night. It's ok. God works. It's hard because I so much want to see her get saved, but I can't change anyone. God does the changing. We just do the praying.
Sooooo, I guess I'm back on the front lines. I stayed a little too long in the barricks, and now my Commanding Officer is pushing me back to where the action is. I'm a Ranger. Special Ops. Won't settle for less then the best.
And with my .66-caliber assalt rifle in my hands, ain't nothing going to harm me!
Rangers lead the way! Hooah!!
19 May 2008
6
God gave me rest last night. 6 hours of sweet sleep. A first in many weeks. He is good. Praise His holy name.
I went to Yael's church yesturday with Vision. We sang 6 songs. I sang my song for the last time ever. It went very well. People said I did good. The pastor presented a great message and worship was awesome. And we had fervant petition for Israel. Well, it was a Penacostal church. What do you expect?
Last night I watched classic The Empire Strikes Back. I love the movie except for the cliffhanger ending. Now I want to watch Jedi. See what happens to Han Solo...you know? Then the boy and I prayed for about a half hour. At first I was having some trouble, but then the boy started petitioning, and that jump-started me. It was pretty powerful. The windows in the car were all fogged up when we were finished. That sounds realllllllly bad.
Dear Lord, I am not of this world.
Nor do I wish to be.
The boy has been taking over the woman's ministry for me in my absence from it right now. What a great guy.
I've really got to call Union today. I've been putting it off for so long. And today is the day. Maybe after a nap.
Uh oh....I'm graduating soon. (T-12 days and counting).
Oh BABY!
I went to Yael's church yesturday with Vision. We sang 6 songs. I sang my song for the last time ever. It went very well. People said I did good. The pastor presented a great message and worship was awesome. And we had fervant petition for Israel. Well, it was a Penacostal church. What do you expect?
Last night I watched classic The Empire Strikes Back. I love the movie except for the cliffhanger ending. Now I want to watch Jedi. See what happens to Han Solo...you know? Then the boy and I prayed for about a half hour. At first I was having some trouble, but then the boy started petitioning, and that jump-started me. It was pretty powerful. The windows in the car were all fogged up when we were finished. That sounds realllllllly bad.
Dear Lord, I am not of this world.
Nor do I wish to be.
The boy has been taking over the woman's ministry for me in my absence from it right now. What a great guy.
I've really got to call Union today. I've been putting it off for so long. And today is the day. Maybe after a nap.
Uh oh....I'm graduating soon. (T-12 days and counting).
Oh BABY!
Praise God
16 May 2008
cureless but not defeatable
So things are still crazy, and I'm still not sleeping at night, but eh... no big problem.
So, one of my friends from UD (a crazy guy named Brent) just got dx'd with an osteosarcoma or osteogenic sarcoma (bone cancer) in his arm. It's highly malignant, metastasizing to the lungs. Tx usually consists of chemo and amputation. Not fun. He's my age.
Seems like everyone's getting cancer lately. One of the UD IV leader's wife just got dx'd with pancreatic cancer. (Her name is Suzie). I overheard the nurses talking about her at the Medical Oncology Hemotology Consult chemo suite in the Helen Graham Center at Christiana Care. She probably won't have that long. It's pretty much palliative care from here on out. She's ok as far as I know, but her husband, Will, is a mess.
Also, the mom of one of my high school senior classmates just got dx'd with breast cancer. I got to see her getting her first round of chemo at the MOHC chemo suite in the HGC. I got to talk to her and her husband, who was my class "dad" at Red Lion. It was nice to talk to them. She's doing pretty good...now. Give her a couple days until the effects of the chemo hits. Breast cancer chemo drugs are pretty hard.
Speaking of, one of my mom's friends and coworker from Red Lion was also dx'd with breast cancer. She has three kids, and the oldest is good friends with my little sister. I don't know if she's started chemo yet. I think she's just had a mastectomy.
Yeah. Not fair. However, God is good. He has plans and he works miracles.
Nuff said.
So, one of my friends from UD (a crazy guy named Brent) just got dx'd with an osteosarcoma or osteogenic sarcoma (bone cancer) in his arm. It's highly malignant, metastasizing to the lungs. Tx usually consists of chemo and amputation. Not fun. He's my age.
Seems like everyone's getting cancer lately. One of the UD IV leader's wife just got dx'd with pancreatic cancer. (Her name is Suzie). I overheard the nurses talking about her at the Medical Oncology Hemotology Consult chemo suite in the Helen Graham Center at Christiana Care. She probably won't have that long. It's pretty much palliative care from here on out. She's ok as far as I know, but her husband, Will, is a mess.
Also, the mom of one of my high school senior classmates just got dx'd with breast cancer. I got to see her getting her first round of chemo at the MOHC chemo suite in the HGC. I got to talk to her and her husband, who was my class "dad" at Red Lion. It was nice to talk to them. She's doing pretty good...now. Give her a couple days until the effects of the chemo hits. Breast cancer chemo drugs are pretty hard.
Speaking of, one of my mom's friends and coworker from Red Lion was also dx'd with breast cancer. She has three kids, and the oldest is good friends with my little sister. I don't know if she's started chemo yet. I think she's just had a mastectomy.
Yeah. Not fair. However, God is good. He has plans and he works miracles.
Nuff said.
Praise God
12 May 2008
i'm a survivor.....not gonna give up.....
I'm at the point where I'm simply surviving rather than thriving. My sleep schedule is wayyyyy off, to the point where I'm not able to sleep at night even if I'm tired, and the next day is a drag.
And because I'm so tired and all screwed up, I'm not happy all the time. And when I'm not happy, I'm not very nice. And when I'm not very nice, I feel bad and start going crazy because I hate the fact that I'm not very nice.
I'm going craaaaaaaazyyyyyyy!
I need a vacation!!!!!!!!
GOD!!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!! I'm restless, Lord. I'm restless and discontent. I want to be doing more and going other places, but I know you have commissioned me here for a reason. I know you have work for me to do here. I know you want me to stay in Delaware. Still.
I want to meet new people and see new places, but I know I am to stay here with the people I know for at least a little while longer.
Obedience to Him who gave me life.
Live in obedience.
Even when you don't feel like it.
Nothing else matters.
And because I'm so tired and all screwed up, I'm not happy all the time. And when I'm not happy, I'm not very nice. And when I'm not very nice, I feel bad and start going crazy because I hate the fact that I'm not very nice.
I'm going craaaaaaaazyyyyyyy!
I need a vacation!!!!!!!!
GOD!!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!! I'm restless, Lord. I'm restless and discontent. I want to be doing more and going other places, but I know you have commissioned me here for a reason. I know you have work for me to do here. I know you want me to stay in Delaware. Still.
I want to meet new people and see new places, but I know I am to stay here with the people I know for at least a little while longer.
Obedience to Him who gave me life.
Live in obedience.
Even when you don't feel like it.
Nothing else matters.
Praise God
08 May 2008
senoritis
I am quite ill.
Senioritis is running rampant in my body at this point. I was dx'd several months ago, and it has only gotten worse.
Unfortunitly, there is no tx. I've been trying to supress the clinical manifestations with ample doses of prayer, sleeping, chocolate and exercise, but nothing is really working. Prayer is the best tx I have found thus far.
The only cure for this terrible disease is called Graduation. And I am not scheduled for that until May 31. They say I'm not ready yet.
Yet this disorder is killing me!!
It has been having a chronic influence on my thought processes.
My psychological health is in jeopardy.
My cognitive fx is becoming compromised.
My emotional, spiritual, and physiological health are also compromised due to this terrible affliction.
What can be done?
I must remain focused....remain focused.....remain....
Huh?
Senioritis is running rampant in my body at this point. I was dx'd several months ago, and it has only gotten worse.
Unfortunitly, there is no tx. I've been trying to supress the clinical manifestations with ample doses of prayer, sleeping, chocolate and exercise, but nothing is really working. Prayer is the best tx I have found thus far.
The only cure for this terrible disease is called Graduation. And I am not scheduled for that until May 31. They say I'm not ready yet.
Yet this disorder is killing me!!
It has been having a chronic influence on my thought processes.
My psychological health is in jeopardy.
My cognitive fx is becoming compromised.
My emotional, spiritual, and physiological health are also compromised due to this terrible affliction.
What can be done?
I must remain focused....remain focused.....remain....
Huh?
03 May 2008
who down wit' G-O-D!?...EVERYBODY!!!
I have been rediculously hyper lately, and I'm not sure way. Here are my theories on the matter:
1.) working nights and sleeping days can screw up anyone's hormonal/mental/physical equilibrium.
2.) i'm almost done college wooot!
3.) 2 shots of espresso in a 12 oz. mocha coffee from Starbucks. Whoooaaaa!! Now that wasn't just crazy...it was dangerous!
4.) God, man. nuff said. Life is saweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!
5.) VISION!! concert tomorrow...my last one ;'-(
1.) working nights and sleeping days can screw up anyone's hormonal/mental/physical equilibrium.
2.) i'm almost done college wooot!
3.) 2 shots of espresso in a 12 oz. mocha coffee from Starbucks. Whoooaaaa!! Now that wasn't just crazy...it was dangerous!
4.) God, man. nuff said. Life is saweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!
5.) VISION!! concert tomorrow...my last one ;'-(
01 May 2008
maaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
May!! Whoa. Ok, yeah, I'm a little erked because May is graduation month. Eeee! I'm not sure how I feel about that.
On the one hand, yeah, I am excited to graduate. Ya know, get out in the real world??? Leave my college bubble?? I'll become a real nurse and get a real job. I'll have more time to spend at Calvary Chapel. The people there are waiting for me to graduate so that I'll be able to join the worship team and play piano. So I do have my post-graduation ministries lined up. Yay!
On the other hand, graduation means becoming an adult really quickly. It also means that I have to leave Vision and all my friends. I won't be able to see them as much. But I'll make new friends....I hope.
Ok. Not thinking about graduation anymore (T-30 days and counting).
My clinical at Christiana Hospital is going well. My preceptor is pretty cool. She's 26. I've been looking for opportunities for spiritual conversation, and we've had a few small ones so far. I've been praying for her like whoa.
At Christiana, I am on the Oncology Unit. (Cancer for all you lay people out there.) However, I haven't actually been out on the floor that much. The majority of my clinical experience has been in the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit, which is sort of a separate unit from the rest of the floor. It's quiet there during the night (I work on midnight shift), and I often find myself with nothing to do because all my patients are sleeping. Last night I practiced NCLEX style questions. Sweet.
I got some fun assignments to complete before morning! :)
God is good.
Peace.
On the one hand, yeah, I am excited to graduate. Ya know, get out in the real world??? Leave my college bubble?? I'll become a real nurse and get a real job. I'll have more time to spend at Calvary Chapel. The people there are waiting for me to graduate so that I'll be able to join the worship team and play piano. So I do have my post-graduation ministries lined up. Yay!
On the other hand, graduation means becoming an adult really quickly. It also means that I have to leave Vision and all my friends. I won't be able to see them as much. But I'll make new friends....I hope.
Ok. Not thinking about graduation anymore (T-30 days and counting).
My clinical at Christiana Hospital is going well. My preceptor is pretty cool. She's 26. I've been looking for opportunities for spiritual conversation, and we've had a few small ones so far. I've been praying for her like whoa.
At Christiana, I am on the Oncology Unit. (Cancer for all you lay people out there.) However, I haven't actually been out on the floor that much. The majority of my clinical experience has been in the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit, which is sort of a separate unit from the rest of the floor. It's quiet there during the night (I work on midnight shift), and I often find myself with nothing to do because all my patients are sleeping. Last night I practiced NCLEX style questions. Sweet.
I got some fun assignments to complete before morning! :)
God is good.
Peace.
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